


Barrayaran Life Lessons...

by ana



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Dinner, Domestic Fluff, Drunkenness, Friendship, Fun, Horses, Meet the Family, Wine, Word Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-17 19:43:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana/pseuds/ana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bit of fun!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barrayaran Life Lessons...

  
_It was the end of a long dinner party at Vorkosigan House and I decided to make a vid of ‘Barrayaran life lessons’ – words of wisdom from various people.  That was the intention, but due to the late evening/early morning and the much drink that had been drunk the answers from some of them were - well…_

**Ivan’s Lessons**

Lesson One: You can have the best wine on Barrayar without paying for it.   
Whether you can afford it or not is not the point.  If you go to any parties, here or at any of the ImpRes soirees, you can always take home a few extra bottles of wine.   Whatever you do _don’t_ _ask_ if you can take any home – rookie mistake; taking them without asking is how you do it, they expect it and won’t say a word; not the done thing for the host to make a fuss.  I only buy wine for gifts, the rest of the year I relieve it off those who have too much of it.  Everyone does it.      

 

Lesson Two: Women know everything and when they don’t make sense it’s on purpose - that’s what they tell me.  
The lesson is don’t try and second guess them.   Oh and feed them cake – they like cake. And massages. And they like stealing all my t-shirts. Why do they do that? [Edited because of juicy but incoherent rambling about foreplay, sex and something to do with Donna/Dono and a riding crop, which isn’t appropriate here.  Maybe appropriate to show him when he’s sober…]

 

Lesson Three [extracted from Lesson Two]: Don’t get drunk and screw the Empress’s relatives.  
Long story, after Gregor’s wedding and – long time ago – doesn’t matter. Hopefully never see ‘em again. Odd girls those cousins of hers – not my finest hour.   Don’t remember most of it. And they stole my underwear.

**Miles’s Lessons**

But I have a better woman lesson than Ivan. What do you mean no repeats?  My lessons should be first!  I can pull rank if I want.  I’m not in a mood.  No, it’s not because I lost at WordLink again! That first game doesn’t count; everyone loses against my father - it does _not_ count – no, that wasn’t a pun.  You wait for the re-match. Ivan got lucky in that second game teaming up with Duv and his damned polysyllabic words.  Yes, yes – alright -

Lesson One:  Don’t let that free loading Ivan Vorpatril near your wine collection – or near your female relatives – or near your home.

Lesson Two:  Deny everything. Twice.

Lesson Three:  No matter what the difficulty there is always a way out, and if it goes wrong _that’s_ your way out.

Lesson Four:  When choosing the right weapons for the mission – ah no, never mind; forgot where I was for a moment. 

Lesson Five:  Never apologise for being the smartest person in the room.

Lessons Six to Twenty:  [edited out.  He only stopped at twenty because I pretended I needed the lav.  I want to get to everyone else and I think he’s still talking…]

 

**Ekaterin’s Lesson**

I can’t think of anything...I don’t know - I suppose I could think of one:  you’re never too old to make new friends.  That probably sounds boring but I can’t think of anything else and it _is_ true.  Are these lessons serious?  I can’t tell. What did the boys say?  Ivan said _what?_ Is Laisa going to see this? Is that vid on? Can you please turn it off? [I pretend to turn it off]. Thank you.  Those cousins of hers were quite wild; yes it was them, in the fountain with that poor Ensign – he was drunk and they stunned him and stripped him of his _underwear_ , and the things they were doing to him – in public! It was quite shocking.  Laisa was very upset and made them leave the next day.  I don’t think she knows about Ivan, though. Goodness, those girls were so - no, I was not going to use that word!  I was going to say…busy.  They only stayed for two days.  Kareen said they were collecting ranks  - do you know what that means?  _Oh!_ So it does mean that…

**Mark’s Lessons**

This is a waste of time, I’m not doing it.  What did everyone else say?  Ivan said _what_?  Can I tell Kareen?  I bet it was those blank-brained girls; the ones with the huge – who’s going to see this?  Alright my lesson is: Trust No One and Live Long and Prosper – this hand gesture? Everyone on Beta does it.   No, no I made those lessons up, you couldn't have heard them before.  But no more, I’m going to find some cake, proper booze and Kareen; no, not in that order, you cheeky -

 

**Alys’s Lessons**

Lesson One:  It’s never too late…but if you can avoid reaching that point, do so.

Lesson Two: Why can’t I see what Ivan said?  You’ve erased it?  That’s highly unlikely.  He talks about who?  Oh, I already know about Laisa’s cousins; who do you think had to clear up the debris?  I wouldn’t tell Laisa about this, she’ll be more upset with her cousins than with Ivan, as she’s only recently reconciled with them.  They finally apologised for that very public incident - who? An Ensign? Oh no, that was a _separate_ incident from the one with the Lieutenant and the Major.  No, I can’t say if they got a General too.  Yes, that is a word that would aptly describe them, but you should never say such things out loud, dear.

**Gregor’s Lessons  
**

I can’t do this, my word is legally binding.  I know it’s for fun, but I can’t.  What did Ivan and Miles say?  Hmm…I should send Ivan my wine bill, although most of that wine is donated.It's true! It’s tradition for that amount of wine to be donated, but not to the Ivan Vorpatril wine collection! 

Yes, I do have several lessons but I’d have to run them past a few people before I state them.  I've got a good one about trust and animals; now don't be filthy - very funny. I will remember you said that. This is why I shouldn't have said anything. I never said anything about sheep! I am not _that_ drunk.

Laisa’s cousins?  Ivan said _what?_   Does he know Laisa’s bringing them with her when she returns from Komarr?  No, no, that’s quite alright. _I_ will break it to him myself; I’m sure I can fit him in at around 7 - in the morning.  Yes I know that’s in four hours. I’ll let him get him some sleep before he's called to the Residence…

**Aral’s Lesson**

It’s not as hard as you think to sneak a horse aboard ship.  The trick is sneaking him off again.  And it ate all my rat bars.  Why? It liked rat bars, I suppose – something has to.  Oh you meant the horse?  I did it for a bet.  Of course it’s a life lesson, everything is.  Try this wine - ah - it’s empty. Let me find another bottle…

**Cordelia’s Lesson**

Lesson One: You can’t choose your family or who you fall in love with, so get over it and get on with it. 

Lesson Two: Also - Aral said _what_?  Why wouldn’t it be true?  Not at all, I'm sure the wine has nothing to do with him telling you. Aral is never as incapacitated as you think - yes, you can have it for a life lesson.  No, I’m sorry, you’ll have to ask him about the horse.   You tried? Yes, well, he does like to tease things like this out.  Yes, I know all about Laisa’s cousins and the General. And his wife.  

_The Count wouldn’t talk; he found everyone’s curiosity amusing; said he’d tell everyone about the horse incident over breakfast - maybe. Miles was as curious as everyone else and not knowing made him even crankier; especially as only a few people would play ANOTHER game of WordLink with him, everyone having either drifted off to bed or passed out in various rooms. In the end only Ekaterin and Ivan would play with him.  Miles was so smug, when he was winning, but then Ekaterin trounced him with a botanical term no one had heard of.  It was hard to tell who was the more surprised._

_‘Do you think there really was a horse?’ Ivan asked squinting into his empty glass. ‘I can’t imagine Uncle Aral doing something like that.’_

_‘I can,’ Miles said, staring at Ekaterin in disbelief (whether the disbelief was because she’d won or because she’d passed out after placing her winning word was anyone’s guess.)  ‘But I don’t believe it – he’s never told **me** about it before, and not even a horse would like rat bars.’ _

_Ivan nodded, and helped Miles lift Ekaterin off the table._

_‘Bet I could do it, though,’ Miles slurred_

_‘Do what?’_

_‘Sneak a horse on and off ship without anyone noticing.’_

_Ivan nearly dropped Ekaterin.  ‘Now I know why Uncle Aral never told you…and the answer’s no.’_

_‘I didn’t ask you anything!’_

_‘No, Miles, you never actually ask. Besides, you’re an Auditor, that’s loaded dice! You could take a herd of elephants onto a ship and no one would dare say anything.  Remember that time - hey, is that vid still on?’_

_I told him it wasn’t. Who am I? Oh you don't need to know that..._ :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Sue for reads!! I had an idea of Aral's 'horse on a ship for a bet' and I could imagine him pulling it off. But I never got further than that, just that there was drink involved somewhere... Someone else though knows exactly what happened.  
> So, want to know the real story about Aral and the horse bet? Clicky here; [A Horse of Course](http://archiveofourown.org/works/880036)


End file.
